scant

this morning it smelled very much like it wanted to rain ...this evening, it was back. no rain. just the smell of the desert anticipation. and there was a lightning storm off to the east... but not a bit of wind. i don't think it will come this far ...sadly. the smell did though. that's not nothing. i love the wet smell, like the air is fresh... in a soft way that's so different from the sharper freshness of mountain air... and something in the desert makes it so sweet. i swear. sweet, and cool, like passing a golf course on a summer night.

...but perhaps much of that is just that here it's so, so rare. do we appreciate the rare or the beautiful? ...yeah, that must be it.

alchemist

i've never worked so many hours in my entire life. ...no, that's not true... i've never worked so many hours at a single endeavor in my entire life, especially when i don't feel particularly moved by or beholden to said event. and i am left with very little time to organize my thoughts, to sift them and mark opinions from input. i love immense input. it convinces me of being on the verge of a very great perspective shift. i hate immense input. it frustrates me as i remain as i am when i neglect reflection. i desire steps. an alchemy of the psyche, of philosophy. distilling the thoughts and research and experiences and emotions to leave the residue of opinions and truth and wisdom.
i cannot. and instead: deplore what i make no efforts to change, change what i should not touch, attend what is not important, ignore what i prize, and blame where i should rather strive for only One satisfaction matters.
one thing Lord, to dwell in Your house for wisdom i desire ...and the second, not to miss where i am for where i want to be nor to miss where i ought to go for where i am.

i decided today to see what it was like to live w/ an inexplicable compulsion...

...so i'm only eating oval shaped foods. for breakfast, i had half a misshapen cinnamon raisin bagel w/ cream cheese and three kinds of juice from a squiggly glass. for lunch, i think an avocado and a mango. dinner, however, will require some lengthy consideration. :) i'm amused already.


a verbal definition doesn't really do "compulsion" justice though. for some things, the best definition is "other". verbal or written understanding is so prevalent that perhaps i forget about "other". for instance, some days i feel like rainy days in the desert smell. it's not raining. it's not wet. there aren't even clouds gathered. i just woke up feeling the way the smell of the desert on a rainy day makes me feel. thus, compulsion is: actions performed in response to an irrisitible impulse which may or may not be a rational impulse. but that's not what it is. compulsion is the tug at my heart... no, my core... that i get when i ask a homeless mother if i can buy her lunch and she askes for diapers instead, when i spend an afternoon sorting clothes or bagging food for an outreach, when it takes three games of pool for a kid to ask one desperately serious question and i don't have a satisfactory answer. like a rope wrapped around me that pulls as if to pull me out of myself. a cord tied to my existence rather than my waist. it's a tug... gentle ... unrelenting... that as slowly, as surely will separate me from me. it is the almost physical equivalent of the knowledge "whatever i do will never be enough, but i wish i could find just a little more to do than i have."
i haven't had that in awhile which disappoints me because something tells me that, as christians, we should. and reading Do Hard Things only accents that lack. it's compelling. ;)

i lust after owning the new raconteurs album

...after this, so will you.





...also, this week is convention at church. thus, i have no life. not that i ever did, you might say. ;) reading: The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman ps. the book is for my insatiable curiosity. anyone have opinions? (based in experience and logic, if you please.)

ingenuity sets us apart... or something.

and i almost figured LU had the market cornered...





u-haul? please, and spend that kind of cash? stand proud, my city. stand proud.

*near bowie high, ep, tx. (and anticipating the questions, no... i don't know them. but perhaps i should. ;) )

this...

...song is what the last post reminded me of.   so i went to listen to it... on youtube.  

   and found this...

...it's brilliant.

things that are Certain

" ::ahem::

births and winter, white weddings in june
shadow in sunlight, champagne at new year's, and the ascension of hot air balloons.
a world which teems with mystery although it's people grow bored
of course, Death and taxes, which one can't ignore.
Gravity's pull bringing autumn leaves to the ground
Time catching up to a globe spinning down.
atomic clocks, empty post boxes and hallway coat hooks and plates,
European trains leaving their stations late.
Divine Truth etched on the hearts of all men,
inner turmoil engendered by all philosophies Zen,
old-timers sitting remembering 'when,'
espresso stains on a cafe apron,
and the inevitable existence of inkless bank pens.

::pause::

but... my knowledge of you is not Certain, ever-increasing through the days, each new revelation endearing to me your delightfully curious ways.

::bow, exeunt:: "


Listening to: Bright Eyes Cassadaga "I Must Belong Somewhere"