scant

this morning it smelled very much like it wanted to rain ...this evening, it was back. no rain. just the smell of the desert anticipation. and there was a lightning storm off to the east... but not a bit of wind. i don't think it will come this far ...sadly. the smell did though. that's not nothing. i love the wet smell, like the air is fresh... in a soft way that's so different from the sharper freshness of mountain air... and something in the desert makes it so sweet. i swear. sweet, and cool, like passing a golf course on a summer night.

...but perhaps much of that is just that here it's so, so rare. do we appreciate the rare or the beautiful? ...yeah, that must be it.

alchemist

i've never worked so many hours in my entire life. ...no, that's not true... i've never worked so many hours at a single endeavor in my entire life, especially when i don't feel particularly moved by or beholden to said event. and i am left with very little time to organize my thoughts, to sift them and mark opinions from input. i love immense input. it convinces me of being on the verge of a very great perspective shift. i hate immense input. it frustrates me as i remain as i am when i neglect reflection. i desire steps. an alchemy of the psyche, of philosophy. distilling the thoughts and research and experiences and emotions to leave the residue of opinions and truth and wisdom.
i cannot. and instead: deplore what i make no efforts to change, change what i should not touch, attend what is not important, ignore what i prize, and blame where i should rather strive for only One satisfaction matters.
one thing Lord, to dwell in Your house for wisdom i desire ...and the second, not to miss where i am for where i want to be nor to miss where i ought to go for where i am.